Melissa Needs a Job, or Oh Ruth Reichl, Don't You Need a Freelancer?

All good things in life must come to an end, and although my primary, wonderful job has not come to a COMPLETE stop, it's a shell of its former self and that, my friends, is why I'm letting you know that Melissa, Your Most Faithful Correspondent, needs a job. Sooner rather than later.

I know, join the crowd at the food pantry. But hear me out, folks-- I've got mad skilz in the cooking department, and I'm also a pretty snappy writer. DON'T YOU THINK that makes me perfect for working at someplace like, oh, Gourmet Magazine?

So here's an open letter to Ruth Reichl. Feel free to chime in with your support in the comments section and you too can tell Ruth how awesome I am.

Dear Ms. Reichl,

I know, it's a total long shot. And it's true that it might be perceived as a conflict of interest that I'm cooking through your massive, beautiful yellow cookbook, reviewing recipes in a contentedly unbiased fashion, unpaid by Gourmet, or Conde Nast, or whoever your corporate overlords are.

But I have a beautiful capacity to take money and be unbiased. In fact, I would make a great politician. And don't you want a column featuring things like my upcoming adventure tenderizing octopus in my washing machine? I think you do. I am sending amazing psychic brain waves to your apartment to that effect.

(Ruth....you need a columnist...a funny one...octupi + washing machines = increased readership...you'll probably get a raise...)

Are my amazing psychic brain waves working? Not yet? OK, well, how about this: when you invite me to NY for an interview, you don't even have to put me up in a hotel room because my in-laws live on Long Island. See? I know how to save money.

(Hire Melissa...but not to dust, she's a terrible duster...)

Hey, Amazing Psychic Brain Waves, whose side are you on? It's not that I'm a terrible duster, it's that I don't SEE dust. My mascara has these dust-filter thingies. In fact, dusting is the next thing on my list to do. Here's my list:

1. Beg for job
2. Dust

(Ruth...you also shouldn't hire her to clean out the cat litter box...)

OK, look. If the job is Columnist + Office Duster, I'm probably not your gal. And I doubt you have a litter box in your test kitchen (although, have you seen those joke cakes? In a litter box, with bran cereal and Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like...you know? I'm sure the Gourmet Test Kitchen has never turned out anything like that, and Readers, I'd like to assure you that The Gourmet Cookbook does NOT feature anything that even remotely resembles Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like cat doody.)

Here are ten other good reasons to hire me:

1. I don't snore, except when I've had too much to drink, which is only when I get laid off from jobs.

2. I am brilliant at giving tours. When you come to Gloucester to meet me I'll take you to the Crow's Nest and explain how it fits into the fishing industry while we drink beer and play pool.

3. I suck at pool, which means you'll probably win.

4. I'm good at poker, though, so consider yourself forewarned.

5. I also don't really drink beer, I'm more of a Bombay Girl. Well, Gordon's when I've had my hours cut.

6. Even though I'm a cat person I also like dogs, when they're Good Dogs. In fact, I'm in love with the Cocker Spaniel who lives next door. His name is Leo. The fact that I'm in love with him has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that his owner is a cute musician. I'm already married to a cute musician. One is enough.

7. I can do a headstand.

8. And a backbend. Well, kind of.

9. I am learning karate so if you ever get attacked by a mugger while we're walking down the street I will kick his ass. But you have to wait a few years for this side-benefit of hiring me. Right now I can only stomp on feet. I might be able to break a nose.

10. I can speak enough French and Spanish to be able to get into trouble in foreign countries with my non-comprehension of what they say back. Think of how much fun it would be to travel with me.

There, ten excellent reasons. I can come up with more. Don't make me do it.

Ruth. Call me.

978 879-9120

Yours sincerely,
Melissa

P.S. Crazy people, DO NOT call me. Unless you are offering me a job with health insurance, retirement benefits, and vacation pay. Because as we all know, being crazy and being able to offer a job are not mutually exclusive.